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8:37 p.m. - 2006-01-29
A fine mess.
Oh man, where to start.

Max is the most adorable creature on earth. He made me talk to some of his friends today. They were so shy today, but then I heard them heard them ribbing him loudly in the background. I think he must talk about me a lot.

He's trying to get the cruiseline to extend his pre-boarding stay in Miami by a day so we have two complete days together instead of one and a half. I hope he can swing it. I know I can.

Friday he and "his boys" decided that there would be no farming/gardening and hung out at the supermarket all day. They picked him up at 6am in a truck, and off they went to the other side of the island to loiter all day long. Its been ungodly hot there. And if Max says its hot, its fuckin' hot. He and his injured friend were pulling bananas off trees today and I could hear the wind in the background. It had the sound of a pre-rain wind and I said so. He was pretty amazed, because it did look like rain there. When I get close to a man, I tend to pick things from his brain without him knowing. I could see the clouds rushing across the sky, and I could sense the darkening/cooling of the air. It was super weird.

Anyway, it was a really fun call.

But on the other side of things, I took my doctor's permission to go back to my normal routine very seriously, and got hammered on vodka last night. HAMMERED. I ran around The Bar trying to fix up men, bring them out of their shells, you know, stuff.

I traumatized a few, interested a few others, flirted with a man who is dating a snotty regular who wants her ex-husband back (OK, that was bad, but really, I was feeling so bad for him, and we do kind of hit it off. She's going to dump him as soon as she has someone else to "take care of her" anyway.)

Once I was finished with all the men who came to attend the party (meaning friends and family of Dancing Mike who I didn't even know), I wandered over to the end of the bar to request a water, knowing that I had overdone the whole vodka thing and was starting to feel a little queasy.

While standing there, I was spoken to by a beautifully big and not quite ugly young man who was sitting with his equally, but differently handsome friend. I then asked the questions of the evening, including, "Are you gay?" (I think I was channeling Six's mom), "Are you here for the party?", "Then what in the hell are you doing here?"

At that point I got my water and went around him to plant myself between the two healthy young men to settle in for conversation.

Young man number one held my attention as the discussion turned to his background, his desire to become a minister, his attemtps at preaching, and his eventual resignation, which he offered up himself, because he didn't feel that someone who smoked, drank (not over the top drinking though) and wanted to fornicate before marriage was a good example.

Poor guy. His heart was in the right place. He just didn't want to be a completely sober, non-smoking celibate.

Anyway, we had an awesome conversation about bibles, religions, the Dead Sea Scrolls, etc. He is a bright, 25 year old young man with his heart in the right place, clean cut, mild mannered, well adjusted, relatively soft-spoken, polite, earnest... I really enjoyed my time with him.

He did ask very nicely for my number at the end of the evening (OMG a man who didn't just say, wanna fuck?)

I told him he couldn't have my number, but that I frequented The Bar, and would be there in two weeks, and that he should read the DaVinci code before he came back. Then we'd talk about my number. Which I probably will not give him, because he is TEN years younger than me, but I really enjoyed talking to him and having a real intellectual conversation for a change.

Another positive note on the evening is that Sully was nice to me, and sort of apologized for being an asshole to me. And H was solicitous, and gave me his coat while we were outside with the group, and his extremely hot friend hung out with us most of the night, and I flirted with him too. I was just one big flirt all evening aand I enjoyed the hell out of it. I told the hot friend that I wanted him to walk in front of me to the cars because I wanted to look at his fine ass.

I swear to God that vodka is Zen truth serum. Everything I think comes right out without censure or caution.

Its crazy fun.

But here's the real dilema folks.

I really enjoy frirting, and now that I feel human again, I really want to date around and see what's out there. I spent ten years being so committment phobic I wouldn't date, then got all wrapped up in the H thing for years (and yes, that is definately over as he has reached whore status in my book), and now, I'm attracting some really quality men, Max at the top of the list. And, well, there is the whole Max thing.

I afraid. I'm so afraid to limit myself to him. I'm so afraid that I'll fall in love before I'm ready to settle down to one. I really want to get my seeds sewn, so to speak, but he makes me so happy. He also makes me unhappy, because at best, I'll see him twice a year and spend a lot of time on the phone.

I want a real, normal relationship where I have regular contact with a man that I love, who will fit in nicely with all my friends and family, with whom I have a lot in common.

Max is exciting, different, passionate, funny, facinating, a wild rush of a relationship, a wise/mellowing influence. He makes me calm and nervous at the same time. He absolutely will not blend in well with my friends and family. And I am afraid that this is all going too fast for me to handle.

I am a shitload in debt, my credit card payments were just doubled thanks to the new law, I have a 200 dollar phone bill from Sprint becsause I've been talking so damn much apparently, and this month will be no better. My hospital bills are coming in at over 1000 above and beyond what the PPO will pay and my debt is just growing and growing because of it all. I'm in debt almost half my yearly salary. I'm in debt a Cadillac, only my payments are higher.

With all that mess, how can I possibly consider a relationship with anyone? Baggage is baggage, but this is a freight train full of it.

I a bit scared, and overwhelmed. And I hear sirens again outside, so I'm going to go see what the deal is. And get ready for bed because I have a job to go to tomorrow.

Night all!


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